Long Distance Wife

Today marks one month since I left my husband in the Netherlands. This difficult time has felt more like four years to us. I no longer feel like I am only twenty-one and I no longer feel like a newlywed. What Pieter and I have gone through in the first six months of marriage has made us feel like we have been married for a lot longer than six months.

So what is life like for a long distance wife? It is lonely. Normally, I get up in the morning and he is already halfway through with his day. With the six hour time difference, Pieter and I have to carefully plan out our days together in order to be able to talk at all. I am so grateful for the invention of skype and webcams. When we talk, I usually want to spend that time making plans for our future or talking about us, while he usually wants to spend it watching tv together or having a light conversation to enjoy the small amount of time we are able to spend together. It is always good to see his face, even if the webcam makes it look blurry.

We try to catch up face to face daily, but there is quite a difference between the months we spent dating long distance the past two years and the months we are now spending as a married couple long distance. On September 13th, 2014 I vowed to be "by his side no matter where life took us". As his wife I have a role that is difficult to fulfill from 3,000 miles away. It is beyond stressful to not be able to take care of him and to not know when we will have a normal life together again.

There are financial troubles as we work together from a distance and communicating through emails is not easy or convenient. Due to the unexpected financial obligations of this process, I have had to learn to live an even more frugal life than I did before.This spring is the first spring since I graduated high school that I have not taken any college classes. Although I was never the academic type, I miss doing college assignments very much. It is defeating to me to have this burden of an "unfinished degree" on my back.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of the long timeline we have ahead of us. A countdown normally just makes my somber mood worse. Saying "150 more days" is just not comforting. Both of us spend a lot of our time trying to distract ourselves. Netflix has become like a companion. Cleaning, eating, and exercising are also options to make time pass by quicker. But at the end of the day I am still surrounded by too much empty space in my bed, dozens of pictures of the two of us happy together, and thousands of memories in my mind of days spent with the man that I love.

There have been times when I have longed for support_ to hear of anyone else who has had to go through a dark time similar to this. I search on Google for articles about 'long distance marriages' and there is no good advice. The reassurance of this situation 'only making us stronger' only comforts me for so long. My faith, patience, and trust in God is tested everyday.

The lyrics to the Audio Adrenaline song "He Moves, You Move" stuck out to me as I listened to the song on my way to work the other day. It says "He's the Author of your story, so let Him take you on the journey of your life." I will continue to follow my Guide.

Webcam pictures_ maintaining a sense of humor through it all!

I'm Back!

Here I am, back in America, back in my hometown, and back in my old bedroom. I am surrounded by boxes full of memories of a future that has been put on hold. More emotions and memories cloud my head than I can hold sometimes.

There are more days where I feel sorry for myself and want to crumble into pieces than there are days when I feel strong and confident about where my life is at. I have no idea how wives with husbands in the army do this. I am confused as to why God would choose me for this particular journey.

The concern and prayers from family and friends continues to be encouraging, but I do get exhausted from acting like I am okay and putting on a strong face for the world. I feel as if no one will ever fully understand the difficult time we are in and I am anxious for this time to become a distant memory. I am back at work now and I feel a little better about the situation now that I have a fairly steady income and have a small purpose in society again.

I want to take a moment to encourage husbands and wives to show gratitude, forgiveness, and love to their husband or wife whenever they can. Do not take the hugs and kisses, late night movies, and dinner conversations for granted. Tell them how much you love them and be thankful that they are there.

On My Way Back Home

Wednesday, February 25th was one of the loneliest days of my life. The ride to the airport was drawn out and emotionally exhausting. The days that led up to my departure held so much pressure. Neither Pieter nor I could wrap our minds around the fact that we would be apart for almost an entire half of a year. Our good-bye at the airport was long, but not long enough.

As I walked away to go through security, I left my husband behind and did not look back. I was afraid that if I did, the tiny bit of courage I had to go on this journey would vanish and I would run out the door into his safe arms once again. I was greeted by a kind man at security who thought I was Dutch. At that moment, I knew my journey home had begun.

Scared, I made my way to the bathroom and then to the appropriate gate where I waited horribly long to board the plane. Once I was on board, I was relieved to discover that I did not have a neighbor. I had the whole row of seats to myself. After taking a deep breath and fighting back tears, I settled in and drowned out the noise with my ear buds.

With forced confidence built, I headed into that familiar Copenhagen airport on my own for the first time. Following the arrival signs, I found myself in an empty area that I had a gut feeling I was not supposed to be in. I rushed into the bathroom acting like I had it all together, like I was totally intending upon visiting this certain restroom. I scrambled to get my new phone to work. Pieter and I had been over how to work this device several times. At this desperate time, I was afraid I was on my own and would not be able to reach him. Luckily, my text went through and my husband guided me back to where I was supposed to be.

I spent close to two hours wrestling with setting up the airport internet on my phone. I was hungry, but too stressed out to eat. For the first time it was not raining in Copenhagen when I was there, but as I watched the airplanes out the window, my eyes fogged up with tears as I realized I had no one to talk to.

The gate for my next flight could not have been further away. Boarding the plane, I dreaded being trapped in that metal tube for nine hours straight. I read the entire Scandinavian magazine before take-off. Three hours passed on that plane and each time I looked at the map on the screen I kept hoping that an intense wind would pick up and an hour or two would be deducted from this time in the air. I was exhausted, but could not sleep.

The plane was rather empty, which I appreciated. I tried hard to have a routine with listening to music, playing games on my phone, and watching movies they provided on the plane. I was learning already that the busier I was, the less time I had to think about my unfortunate situation. Keeping busy on an airplane is no easy task. There are no dishes to wash, articles of clothing to fold, or carpets to vacuum. There was no one to talk to, joke with, or lean on. This would be the longest nine hours of my life. 

For an American citizen, the process of returning to the States goes as smooth as butter onto freshly baked bread. I was through the lines in less than three minutes. I waited a while for my luggage, was sniffed by a bomb-sensing dog, and slid right through customs just like that! As I passed immigration and homeland security I prayed for the individuals going through the process my husband did. I prayed for their family members that were waiting for them on the other side that they may never see. Memories from that airport flowed through my mind all too vividly.

The scenario I had played in my mind over and over again as I tried to remain strong throughout the day finally came to be reality. My dad was there waiting for me and the relief that swept over me when I finally had someone to hug was incredible. The love, comfort, and support of my family overwhelms me.