Not Just the Onions

After two and a half months away, it is good to be home!

Upon my arrival back home I began a regimen to better health and to healing some of the damage that has been caused in my body over time. I have good days and bad days, but work keeps me busy, distracted, and fulfilled. I genuinely enjoy taking care of the guests that come into Cracker Barrel. Caring for people's needs is something I always aspired to do and although being a waitress is not the profession I intended, I am grateful I have the ability and opportunity to do so at this time in my life. And for the relationships, personal growth, and leadership skills I have acquired while working as a server, I know they will carry on to wherever and whatever may be up next for me in the years to come.

With all of the energy I expend taking care of other people's needs day after day after day, taking care of my own emotions and frustrations often gets pushed to the back burner. Whenever I do find time to focus on what is currently happening in my life, I start to feel sick. It all gets to be too much.

A few weeks back I was chopping onions at work. My sinuses filled with the strong odor of the crisp veggies, with every slice the smell grew more and more pungent and tears began rolling from my eyes. It is then that I realized I had not cried in a really long time. This was my opportunity to let out all of the bottled up emotions I had regarding how unfair, exhausting, and lonely this process has been for me and my husband. I carry those feelings in my heart and suppress them everyday, hoping they fade as days go by and praying for this burden to soon be lifted from my shoulders.

I found myself researching certain regulations and requirements for European tourism and a certain rule struck my attention. The reality of this rule was quite alarming when I looked at how it could affect me in my future trips to and from the Netherlands. This raises yet another obstacle in the saga of Pieter and Lydia. I ask each of those reading this to say a prayer for God to be ever-present in this situation and that this would finally come to a peaceful end. There is power in prayer and we are thankful that we serve a God who listens to and cares for His children.

Sometimes I do begin to wonder if the resilience of the human mind, heart, and body expires at some point. Is there a point where a person is no longer able to bounce back after life keeps letting them down? If there is, I must be reaching that point. I feel as though I am all out of ideas on how to remain optimistic. No one should ever have to fight this hard to be with the ones they love and desire to share life with. I miss the companionship, support, friendship, and laughter that I share with my husband. I miss him every single day and nothing can fully take that empty feeling away.

Yes, some days are easier than others. But some days, the Devil gets the best of me. Other days, God puts things into perspective and helps me realize that 1.) Some people have it so much worse than I do. 2.) He knows what He's doing. and 3.) I could never do this without Him.

Times Are Changing

The past two months I have spent in Arnemuiden have been different from my other trips here. This segment of time felt more like I had a life here and less like it was just time away from home to spend with my husband. Like always, Pieter and I got into a nice routine of a married couple who went grocery shopping, visited family, went on date nights, and ate dinner together every night. We enjoyed our time together and tried to make the most of it, knowing it would come to an end all too soon.

                         

Just when I am finally feeling settled and happy in one place I have to uproot myself again. I am frustrated that I keep having to toss myself back and forth between lifestyles, time zones, and relationships. It is not healthy and after two and a half years I am starting to see physical and mental repercussions from the ongoing stress I have been under.

I was seriously considering returning to the States a few weeks early due to multiple medical conditions I have been struggling with. Many of my symptoms are difficult to conquer alone and under my current circumstances. I am beginning to forget what it feels like to not be tired, stressed out, and anxious all of the time. I have this situation to blame for this early decline in my health and that makes me very angry. 

For anyone who is still trying to keep track of where our immigration journey is taking us, you must realize that both April and May have passed us by and we still have not announced a final answer regarding our waiver. This is because a four month delay was placed on our waiver and we will not hear anything now until August or September. That is almost a year after we filed and almost two years after my husband's visa was refused. We are now looking into other options for our future together. Life is too short to keep putting it on hold waiting for this process to be over. 

Holland, and the people I have come to know here, steal a little more of my heart every time I am able to visit. During this trip I have actually been able to open my mind to the possibility of maybe someday making this my home. While that statement scares me more than I could ever express, it is a thought that I am relieved and proud to finally be able to approach. I am a long way off from full acceptance of this idea, but oddly enough, I think God may be waiting for me to come to a place where I feel comfortable living in either country. Everyday I ponder what His reasoning is behind making us go through all of this. 

Tonight, during my evening stroll, I took part in one of my favorite pastimes- watching the sunset. As the sun painted gorgeous hues of pink, yellow, orange and purple on the evening sky I recalled how simple life used to be. Whenever I was stressed out as a young girl I would write down all my worries in my diary. I had this method of writing what I was struggling with in one column and then a solution (or reassurance statement) in the column next to it. Some of these issues were "I have a huge zit on my chin and look so ugly" "I am so nervous about my presentation in English class next week" "My sister is so much cooler than I am" or "I'll never have a boyfriend, no guys like me". I considered trying this same method with my life issues now. I sit here laughing just thinking about how trivial these problems are to me now! But they were a huge deal to me back then. They were concerns close to my heart that I thought impacted my life in a great way. I would pray about them and work through them, step by step. If God can get me through acne, boy troubles, high school, and self esteem problems, He can help me tackle the issues I am facing in life right now. After all, what is there that my God cannot do? (Luke 18:27) 

It Is Well

Fifteen days in Zeeland and my Yankee candles are already halfway burnt out. That could have something to do with us living by horse stables though. The smell can get pretty fierce. 

My pre-occupation with getting settled back into my Netherlands home has distracted me from dwelling too much on our current misfortune. We are living in house number seven.  I have had to pack up and set up home more times than most people do their entire lives. I guess I should consider myself experienced in many areas at this point. Flying across the Atlantic ocean, conquering jetlag symptoms, maintaining an on-again-off-again job_ these are my life achievements thus far! Our current most rewarding achievement as a couple is the fact that we now have a full-size couch in our living room, not just a loveseat. 

 

The month of March has come and gone and it seems as if April will do just exactly the same. It is, afterall, already half over. Last year at this time my husband and I were sharing in so much hope, joy, and anticipation as his visa was about to be approved. I still have the perfume I was using last spring and on the rare occasion that I do wear it, the sweet scent reminds me of those exciting days. Now, a year later, I cannot help but shake my head, close my eyes, and take a deep breath at the thought of where time has brought us. 

The highlights shown above are the flowers I planted over the weekend, Pieter's new car, date night to see Beauty and the Beast, and my very first canvas painting! It's never a dull moment when the two of us are together. There have been many lazy dinners on the couch, failed experimental dinner recipes, spontaneous outings to McDonald's, and evening strolls. . . and it is just the beginning of us making memories together in 2017. 

As many of you know, March was the month we were looking forward to. Five months was the initial amount of time we were told it would take to process our final waiver paperwork. After my husband's careful calculation of other waivers processing times in the past few months, he figured out that our new date to anticipate receiving the "denial or the approval notice" is around May 11th. Almost exactly a year from when we thought he would return to the U.S. in 2016. Although, we could very well receive the news at any time. With every day that passes, I only get more anxious for this to all finally be over.

At this time we cannot reveal any type of plan we have for after we receive the thumbs up or the thumbs down from immigration. After a year of talking about it, praying about it, and considering our options, we are unable to make any concrete plans until we know what direction God is leading us in.

In the meantime, we humbly and desperately ask for your prayers. I firmly believe we are in the final leg of this seemingly never-ending marathon we have been a part of together for the last twenty-eight months. And as I sit here trying my hardest to come up with some ingenious statement to say how my faith has grown, sometimes song lyrics say what is on our heart better than our own words ever could.

My new inspirational and encouraging Christian song that I have been listening to these days is "Even If" by MercyMe. I believe that every person that hears this beautiful ballad has their own wave of emotions that sweep through their mind as they listen to the words and the cries of this song. Emotions that were caused by a trial they endured in life. 

At my young age of 23 I have been through some minor setbacks and have had my share of regrets and painful memories from years past, but this monumental, life-altering, current setback that my husband and I refer to as "the situation" would take the prize as being the biggest trial in my life thus far. It is a worry, a burden, and a battle everyday... a fear and a dread that I would not wish on my worst enemy to have your life, dreams, future, and your marriage hanging in the balance. My prayer is that I am able to take the strength, faith, and endurance I have accumulated during this trial to the next inevitable dark patch that the Lord brings me to. I hope that throughout the next 50+ years I have on this earth, God will allow me to walk out of the valley saying "It is well, it is well with my soul" each and every time. 

32 miles to 3,876 miles

Driving home from Harrisonburg tonight, I decided to take route 11. I needed some time to just drive and make it feel like I was going somewhere. Route 11 is the road I took many many times to visit Pieter back when we were dating. I had just gotten my license and was not yet comfortable driving on interstate 81. Back when he was just a 45 minute drive away. I would give almost anything to go back to just having one more carefree day like we had back then.

July 2013

Tonight I found myself turning the music up way too loud to drown out any thoughts that may creep into my mind. Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" came on and I karaoked every word to it perfectly as I drove through the back roads of Mount Jackson. A few songs in, my vocal cords needed a rest and I felt like I may be disturbing the peace, so I turned on my Christian music playlist and the recently played song came on.

The past few weeks I have been stuck on listening to Hilary Scott's song "Thy Will". I had been introduced to the song when it first came out, but could not really get over her not singing with Lady Antebellum. But a few weeks back this song came on the radio and it really spoke to me. Ever since then, I have listened to it over and over again and now know every word by heart. I hide the words of this song in my heart as I so badly want it to be my prayer.

Almost daily I have someone approach me who wants to know something regarding my husband's immigration case. Especially now that immigration has become a huge headline in the media and in politics. I give them the current update and let them know what is up ahead for us, all while smiling and nodding politely. People say I hold it together so well, and maybe I do compose a nice facade from day to day, but what else am I supposed to do? Hide under the covers and feel sorry for myself? No way!

Recently, I have realized just how much I have to be grateful for. I barely recognize the girl I was before my life changed drastically on January 10th, 2015. I have had the opportunity to grow as a woman, to begin leading and succeeding at work as new doors open, to make friends I never thought I was capable of making, to muster up faith from I don't even know where to support my husband, and to grow with him as we face challenges together. Life continues to come together even though we continue to wait for the imminent "falling apart".

With those friends, the growth, the memories made, and the doors of opportunity being opened it leaves me wondering, waiting, and worrying that with all of this that I continue to build and cultivate, would God really take that from me? Would it really be "His Will" to give me success with my job, a loving family, supportive friends who need me, and dreams to build a life here... just to take all that away? Would God really take us through two and half years of fighting to get Pieter to the United States, just to have it end in a permanent denial? This perplexes me and leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. All I can say is that the words  "trust", "hope", and "faith"  all have new, much stronger, meaning to me. They mean more to me now than they ever did before.

While there is a distinct possibility of the two scenarios above becoming a reality, I have to believe the truth that I have been taught all my life. That God really does love me, He wants what is best for me, His Word is true, His plan is best, and He does hear my prayers. These are not just automatic feelings that I wake up having every morning. They are truths that I must remind myself of over and over again daily.

The Waiting Game

This evening, while completing the tasks that have been on my 'to do' list for about three weeks now, I peered out my window and caught a glimpse of the sun setting. An emotion- filled sigh followed and I paused from my busyness to think "another day over, another day closer". Time becomes something all so different when you are waiting for big, life altering, news. 

This ongoing challenge that I face each day of maintaining a long distance marriage and keeping our life on hold as we wait to see which direction our future will go has taught me to pray in a manner of surrender. Praying with an "I will" and a "Guide me" attitude that is willing to give up "my plan" in order to follow through with God's perfect plan for my life. This has easily been the most painful and loneliest two years of my life on this earth so far. If my high school self had known this was what was up ahead, maybe she would have been more grateful for what she had and not been so worried about minor life decisions and trying to make friends.

In the past 13 months I have dealt with the loss of a loved one, the death of two family pets, a medical procedure, sick family members, and a medical diagnosis all on my own. I have attended countless birthdays, sporting events, parties, concerts, church services, weddings, and family functions, that I would have rather attended with my husband by my side; all by myself. I have held, not my husband's hand for comfort, but my own hand, through these trying times and have dug deep for strength when all I wanted to do was fall apart. At age 23, I have faced a hurdle and a setback in life that I could have never anticipated and one that very few people even have to consider going through, but I am determined to come out in the end, changed in a positive way_ strengthened.

Since May of 2016, when we received the news that my husband was denied his visa, my faith has developed tremendously. Pieter and I remind each other often that we do not hold our trust in "the system", or border security, or a man behind the desk, but in God. Whenever we start to analyze and research information regarding immigration waivers and the chances that other people have placed on our shot of living together in the U.S. we begin to feel discouraged and out of control. Truth is, it is out of our control! And it is scary! But knowing that we have given a God who moves mountains all of our concerns and fears takes the weight from our shoulders on days when it is just too much to bear.




For those of you who I run into around town who ask how things are going or remind me that you are praying for Pieter and I, thank you. You will never know how much that support means to both of us. As many times as I have heard "I'm praying for you" over the past two years and even more in the past eight months I know that God is right in the middle of our situation and am assured that He is working all of this out in His time. I knew this winter would be long, as I waited to fly back over to the Netherlands at the end of March, but I had no idea how restless I would grow to be. Patience is in short supply these days, for both Pieter and I. We are anxious to finally be done with this long journey. I feel God leading me to do so many great things for Him, but patiently, I will wait until He says "Go"...

Happy 2017 from us!

I was going to put together a Christmas letter to send out with our Christmas cards this year, but with the busyness of the holidays, time did not allow. So here is our 2016 in review and an update on how we are doing!

After beginning 2016 with hopeful hearts that we would continue our life together in the States in the spring, we endured devastation as Pieter was considered inadmissible by U.S. border control in May. This was our lowest point of the year, but we were able to push forward and make the most of the moments we were able to spend together in 2016.

I would have never imagined I would get the opportunity to travel to so many different countries, but because of our unfortunate circumstances we were able to visit Paris, France; Cologne, Germany; and Agadir, Morocco. I have become quite the expert at packing suitcases, moving in and out of rental homes, booking airline tickets, and maneuvering through airports.

My favorite traveling companion, Pieter, has become an experienced travel planner. I have never seen someone so handy with a map. He organized all of our trips and the adventures we went on. It took us four hours to get to Paris, France in July. This was an eye-opening first excursion out of my comfort zone, but it made me want to travel more. While in Paris, we celebrated my 23rd birthday with a river cruise, sightseeing to Notre Dame, the Sacre Ceur, and the Eifel tower.

A magical trip to the Efteling theme park was our first big trip together, not including our time spent in Amsterdam at Easter. Highlights from that trip were the amazing continental breakfast at the hotel, the unique fairy tale decor of the Efteling hotel, waiting in line for an hour to ride a roller coaster that lasted 5 seconds, and feeling like children again as we took in the wonder of the theme park.

During our time apart in the fall Pieter and I worked on planning a trip to go on in the winter. We had considered visiting Spain, Iceland, Ireland, or Norway, but somehow settled on a trip to Morocco!

Agadir, Morocco was like no place I had ever visited. We took advantage of every day we had there and enjoyed relaxing by the pool, an authentic Moroccan dinner for two, camel riding and dune buggying through the desert, a traditional Hammam couples massage, and a tour of the impoverished villages in the countryside in the Atlas mountains. Many memories were made that we will look back on for years to come. I am so thankful we were able to go on this special adventure together.

Back at home in the Netherlands it was time for me to begin packing my bags to return to my life in the States. I am now back home til the end of March. I am ending this challenging year with a positive and grateful attitude. As always, I have BIG PLANS for the new year. The year 2017 will come with a lot of gradual changes and more hopeful waiting, but I am anticipating more personal growth and lifelong memories to be made!

Happy New Year! 

My Double Life

Upon my fifth return to the Netherlands I found myself ill for the entire first week. My flight here was quick and simple, no issues whatsoever, until about ten minutes before descending. My ears closed up and I could not hear as we went from 35,000 feet to ground level. Normally my ears are affected slightly by the drop in air pressure and then they return to normal after a few hours or a day at the most, this time, due to having a slight cold, my ears underwent extreme trauma during descent. 

For the past week I have been fighting a stubborn cold and what is known as "barotrauma" of my right ear. A stuffiness, loss of hearing, and pain in my neck and ear has taken place due to fluid being lodged behind my ear drum. This fluid can take up to three months to completely heal. So, not the greatest start to my trip. 

Our fourth rental home in Oostkapelle is quite lovely. As all the other homes we have stayed in, it is small, but comfortable. I am grateful to have a small space to myself, a warm bed to sleep in at night, and a roof over my head from the dreary Dutch weather we have been experiencing. 

It has rained just about every day since my return. As I sit here tonight in the silence of this space, sipping tea, snuggled in my favorite blanket from home, I find myself unable to fully be at ease. I do not know when the last time was that I could completely relax my mind. Surely it was before this situation began. 
What is on my mind tonight? the presidential election taking place in my home country tomorrow, my family and how much I am missing them, and my future... 

During all the other times I have visited Holland there has always been a glimmer of hope for our future. A sense of knowing there was always something else we could do to help Pieter's immigration case. Not anymore. 

This trip to visit my husband is unlike any other. It holds far more pressure and anxiety than the rest. I will spend two months here and return to the States on December 21st. I plan on returning here again at the end of March until early June. Planning my life in "Europe" and "America" segments has become something I have grown terribly well at. This is the last trip that I will spend not knowing whether my husband can return to the United States or not. 

The pressure of thinking I may be forced to make this country my home in a few short months is often too much to bear. I have conversed with various people about my worries concerning this matter and often they respond with something such as "You can just move over there [the Netherlands], right?" RIGHT! I can! 

Europe has a three month process, in which you can remain in the country for, to gain permanent residency in the country in which your spouse resides. Yes, I could move to the Netherlands if need be. But, I must consider all I would be leaving behind and how challenging it would be to develop a life of my own here in this country. 

My main issue is leaving my family behind. If my family was able to pack up and come with me to the Netherlands, I would basically move here tomorrow. The thought of having to go through the rest of my life without their comradery, laughter, support, and encouragement makes my entire body ache. But it is nearly impossible to convince the immigration authorities that I rely heavily on my family's moral and emotional support and find it to be my duty to be by their side through every minor or major family event.

My next concern would be my need to remain surrounded by my Christian community back at home. Here, there are no English speaking churches nearby. I have no where to grow in my walk with the Lord. Pieter and I need to be in a community where we can have fellow Christians encouraging us and challenging us in that area. The immigration authorities have no desire to hear about my relationship with Christ and how its growth would be hindered if I were to relocate to another country. 

Lastly, I worry about the many things I was actually able to list in our "extreme hardship" waiver... the things the USCIS will get a chance to review. Seventy-nine pages of "proof" that I cannot leave the United States and that I need Pieter to be able to be with me there. Concerns such as my mental and physical health, future employment opportunities, financial concerns, and my personal independence/functionality in one country compared to another. 

Our final set of papers was finally turned in and received on October 11th. Processing times for this critical waiver are four months. News on our destiny will be finalized around January or February. Thank you for your patience. 

In a way I am relieved to think that in four months this two year journey will all be over, one way or another. Living a double life has taken it's toll on me. I have shared many times before how exhausted I have become. To keep going back and forth from an independent, married woman in Woodstock, Virginia who works as a waitress, interacting with people 35-40 hours a week to a woman who cleans house and barely talks to or sees a person all week is strange, unhealthy, and wrong.

My bitterness has grown, but so has my strength. I continue to realize that I need something so much greater than myself to hold onto and I find it difficult to imagine how anyone can go through life without having a relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Every night as I try to fall asleep I feel the Devil trying to creep in and fill my head with doubt and fear. In order to get past this miserable feeling, I begin quoting memory verses I learned many years ago in Sunday school. Over and over again I recite them in my head knowing that nothing in this world is more true or lasting than the words of God- verses such as Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:13, Psalm 56:3-4, Psalm 23, Deuteronomy 31:8. 

I hold on to Him and imagine Him holding tightly on to me, because He is the only thing strong enough to comfort me. The reassurance of knowing that He holds my life in His hands is the only thing that can calm me down after panicking about the possibility of my future and my hopes and dreams being shattered. 

I must remind myself that these are selfishly "my" dreams and "my" hopes. Through the years I was always able to plan ahead and picture things just the way I wanted them to go. November and December are my months to make lists of goals and things I hope to achieve in the year to come. This may be the biggest lesson in "giving up control" that God will ever give me. 

"Where will I be in 10 years?" The picture is so unclear. I ask myself "Where do I want to be in 10 years?" and the beautiful picture of a cottage in the mountains, a few kids, a dog, a career, and my amazing husband brings tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain in my heart. 
But this picture is simply what "I" have in mind for "MY" future. I have to re-ask myself that very same question and answer with "I want to be exactly where God needs me to be." I trust He has a bigger plan for me than I could ever put together on my own. This is called surrender and it is not easy, but God is the master planner and He sees time from the very beginning to the very end, so why shouldn't we trust Him with our lives?