For the past week I have been fighting a stubborn cold and what is known as "barotrauma" of my right ear. A stuffiness, loss of hearing, and pain in my neck and ear has taken place due to fluid being lodged behind my ear drum. This fluid can take up to three months to completely heal. So, not the greatest start to my trip.
Our fourth rental home in Oostkapelle is quite lovely. As all the other homes we have stayed in, it is small, but comfortable. I am grateful to have a small space to myself, a warm bed to sleep in at night, and a roof over my head from the dreary Dutch weather we have been experiencing.
It has rained just about every day since my return. As I sit here tonight in the silence of this space, sipping tea, snuggled in my favorite blanket from home, I find myself unable to fully be at ease. I do not know when the last time was that I could completely relax my mind. Surely it was before this situation began.
What is on my mind tonight? the presidential election taking place in my home country tomorrow, my family and how much I am missing them, and my future...
During all the other times I have visited Holland there has always been a glimmer of hope for our future. A sense of knowing there was always something else we could do to help Pieter's immigration case. Not anymore.
This trip to visit my husband is unlike any other. It holds far more pressure and anxiety than the rest. I will spend two months here and return to the States on December 21st. I plan on returning here again at the end of March until early June. Planning my life in "Europe" and "America" segments has become something I have grown terribly well at. This is the last trip that I will spend not knowing whether my husband can return to the United States or not.
The pressure of thinking I may be forced to make this country my home in a few short months is often too much to bear. I have conversed with various people about my worries concerning this matter and often they respond with something such as "You can just move over there [the Netherlands], right?" RIGHT! I can!
Europe has a three month process, in which you can remain in the country for, to gain permanent residency in the country in which your spouse resides. Yes, I could move to the Netherlands if need be. But, I must consider all I would be leaving behind and how challenging it would be to develop a life of my own here in this country.
My main issue is leaving my family behind. If my family was able to pack up and come with me to the Netherlands, I would basically move here tomorrow. The thought of having to go through the rest of my life without their comradery, laughter, support, and encouragement makes my entire body ache. But it is nearly impossible to convince the immigration authorities that I rely heavily on my family's moral and emotional support and find it to be my duty to be by their side through every minor or major family event.
My next concern would be my need to remain surrounded by my Christian community back at home. Here, there are no English speaking churches nearby. I have no where to grow in my walk with the Lord. Pieter and I need to be in a community where we can have fellow Christians encouraging us and challenging us in that area. The immigration authorities have no desire to hear about my relationship with Christ and how its growth would be hindered if I were to relocate to another country.
Lastly, I worry about the many things I was actually able to list in our "extreme hardship" waiver... the things the USCIS will get a chance to review. Seventy-nine pages of "proof" that I cannot leave the United States and that I need Pieter to be able to be with me there. Concerns such as my mental and physical health, future employment opportunities, financial concerns, and my personal independence/functionality in one country compared to another.
Our final set of papers was finally turned in and received on October 11th. Processing times for this critical waiver are four months. News on our destiny will be finalized around January or February. Thank you for your patience.
In a way I am relieved to think that in four months this two year journey will all be over, one way or another. Living a double life has taken it's toll on me. I have shared many times before how exhausted I have become. To keep going back and forth from an independent, married woman in Woodstock, Virginia who works as a waitress, interacting with people 35-40 hours a week to a woman who cleans house and barely talks to or sees a person all week is strange, unhealthy, and wrong.
My bitterness has grown, but so has my strength. I continue to realize that I need something so much greater than myself to hold onto and I find it difficult to imagine how anyone can go through life without having a relationship with Jesus Christ.
Every night as I try to fall asleep I feel the Devil trying to creep in and fill my head with doubt and fear. In order to get past this miserable feeling, I begin quoting memory verses I learned many years ago in Sunday school. Over and over again I recite them in my head knowing that nothing in this world is more true or lasting than the words of God- verses such as Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:13, Psalm 56:3-4, Psalm 23, Deuteronomy 31:8.
I hold on to Him and imagine Him holding tightly on to me, because He is the only thing strong enough to comfort me. The reassurance of knowing that He holds my life in His hands is the only thing that can calm me down after panicking about the possibility of my future and my hopes and dreams being shattered.
I must remind myself that these are selfishly "my" dreams and "my" hopes. Through the years I was always able to plan ahead and picture things just the way I wanted them to go. November and December are my months to make lists of goals and things I hope to achieve in the year to come. This may be the biggest lesson in "giving up control" that God will ever give me.
"Where will I be in 10 years?" The picture is so unclear. I ask myself "Where do I want to be in 10 years?" and the beautiful picture of a cottage in the mountains, a few kids, a dog, a career, and my amazing husband brings tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain in my heart.
But this picture is simply what "I" have in mind for "MY" future. I have to re-ask myself that very same question and answer with "I want to be exactly where God needs me to be." I trust He has a bigger plan for me than I could ever put together on my own. This is called surrender and it is not easy, but God is the master planner and He sees time from the very beginning to the very end, so why shouldn't we trust Him with our lives?
.jpg)
