It Is Well

Fifteen days in Zeeland and my Yankee candles are already halfway burnt out. That could have something to do with us living by horse stables though. The smell can get pretty fierce. 

My pre-occupation with getting settled back into my Netherlands home has distracted me from dwelling too much on our current misfortune. We are living in house number seven.  I have had to pack up and set up home more times than most people do their entire lives. I guess I should consider myself experienced in many areas at this point. Flying across the Atlantic ocean, conquering jetlag symptoms, maintaining an on-again-off-again job_ these are my life achievements thus far! Our current most rewarding achievement as a couple is the fact that we now have a full-size couch in our living room, not just a loveseat. 

 

The month of March has come and gone and it seems as if April will do just exactly the same. It is, afterall, already half over. Last year at this time my husband and I were sharing in so much hope, joy, and anticipation as his visa was about to be approved. I still have the perfume I was using last spring and on the rare occasion that I do wear it, the sweet scent reminds me of those exciting days. Now, a year later, I cannot help but shake my head, close my eyes, and take a deep breath at the thought of where time has brought us. 

The highlights shown above are the flowers I planted over the weekend, Pieter's new car, date night to see Beauty and the Beast, and my very first canvas painting! It's never a dull moment when the two of us are together. There have been many lazy dinners on the couch, failed experimental dinner recipes, spontaneous outings to McDonald's, and evening strolls. . . and it is just the beginning of us making memories together in 2017. 

As many of you know, March was the month we were looking forward to. Five months was the initial amount of time we were told it would take to process our final waiver paperwork. After my husband's careful calculation of other waivers processing times in the past few months, he figured out that our new date to anticipate receiving the "denial or the approval notice" is around May 11th. Almost exactly a year from when we thought he would return to the U.S. in 2016. Although, we could very well receive the news at any time. With every day that passes, I only get more anxious for this to all finally be over.

At this time we cannot reveal any type of plan we have for after we receive the thumbs up or the thumbs down from immigration. After a year of talking about it, praying about it, and considering our options, we are unable to make any concrete plans until we know what direction God is leading us in.

In the meantime, we humbly and desperately ask for your prayers. I firmly believe we are in the final leg of this seemingly never-ending marathon we have been a part of together for the last twenty-eight months. And as I sit here trying my hardest to come up with some ingenious statement to say how my faith has grown, sometimes song lyrics say what is on our heart better than our own words ever could.

My new inspirational and encouraging Christian song that I have been listening to these days is "Even If" by MercyMe. I believe that every person that hears this beautiful ballad has their own wave of emotions that sweep through their mind as they listen to the words and the cries of this song. Emotions that were caused by a trial they endured in life. 

At my young age of 23 I have been through some minor setbacks and have had my share of regrets and painful memories from years past, but this monumental, life-altering, current setback that my husband and I refer to as "the situation" would take the prize as being the biggest trial in my life thus far. It is a worry, a burden, and a battle everyday... a fear and a dread that I would not wish on my worst enemy to have your life, dreams, future, and your marriage hanging in the balance. My prayer is that I am able to take the strength, faith, and endurance I have accumulated during this trial to the next inevitable dark patch that the Lord brings me to. I hope that throughout the next 50+ years I have on this earth, God will allow me to walk out of the valley saying "It is well, it is well with my soul" each and every time. 

32 miles to 3,876 miles

Driving home from Harrisonburg tonight, I decided to take route 11. I needed some time to just drive and make it feel like I was going somewhere. Route 11 is the road I took many many times to visit Pieter back when we were dating. I had just gotten my license and was not yet comfortable driving on interstate 81. Back when he was just a 45 minute drive away. I would give almost anything to go back to just having one more carefree day like we had back then.

July 2013

Tonight I found myself turning the music up way too loud to drown out any thoughts that may creep into my mind. Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" came on and I karaoked every word to it perfectly as I drove through the back roads of Mount Jackson. A few songs in, my vocal cords needed a rest and I felt like I may be disturbing the peace, so I turned on my Christian music playlist and the recently played song came on.

The past few weeks I have been stuck on listening to Hilary Scott's song "Thy Will". I had been introduced to the song when it first came out, but could not really get over her not singing with Lady Antebellum. But a few weeks back this song came on the radio and it really spoke to me. Ever since then, I have listened to it over and over again and now know every word by heart. I hide the words of this song in my heart as I so badly want it to be my prayer.

Almost daily I have someone approach me who wants to know something regarding my husband's immigration case. Especially now that immigration has become a huge headline in the media and in politics. I give them the current update and let them know what is up ahead for us, all while smiling and nodding politely. People say I hold it together so well, and maybe I do compose a nice facade from day to day, but what else am I supposed to do? Hide under the covers and feel sorry for myself? No way!

Recently, I have realized just how much I have to be grateful for. I barely recognize the girl I was before my life changed drastically on January 10th, 2015. I have had the opportunity to grow as a woman, to begin leading and succeeding at work as new doors open, to make friends I never thought I was capable of making, to muster up faith from I don't even know where to support my husband, and to grow with him as we face challenges together. Life continues to come together even though we continue to wait for the imminent "falling apart".

With those friends, the growth, the memories made, and the doors of opportunity being opened it leaves me wondering, waiting, and worrying that with all of this that I continue to build and cultivate, would God really take that from me? Would it really be "His Will" to give me success with my job, a loving family, supportive friends who need me, and dreams to build a life here... just to take all that away? Would God really take us through two and half years of fighting to get Pieter to the United States, just to have it end in a permanent denial? This perplexes me and leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. All I can say is that the words  "trust", "hope", and "faith"  all have new, much stronger, meaning to me. They mean more to me now than they ever did before.

While there is a distinct possibility of the two scenarios above becoming a reality, I have to believe the truth that I have been taught all my life. That God really does love me, He wants what is best for me, His Word is true, His plan is best, and He does hear my prayers. These are not just automatic feelings that I wake up having every morning. They are truths that I must remind myself of over and over again daily.

The Waiting Game

This evening, while completing the tasks that have been on my 'to do' list for about three weeks now, I peered out my window and caught a glimpse of the sun setting. An emotion- filled sigh followed and I paused from my busyness to think "another day over, another day closer". Time becomes something all so different when you are waiting for big, life altering, news. 

This ongoing challenge that I face each day of maintaining a long distance marriage and keeping our life on hold as we wait to see which direction our future will go has taught me to pray in a manner of surrender. Praying with an "I will" and a "Guide me" attitude that is willing to give up "my plan" in order to follow through with God's perfect plan for my life. This has easily been the most painful and loneliest two years of my life on this earth so far. If my high school self had known this was what was up ahead, maybe she would have been more grateful for what she had and not been so worried about minor life decisions and trying to make friends.

In the past 13 months I have dealt with the loss of a loved one, the death of two family pets, a medical procedure, sick family members, and a medical diagnosis all on my own. I have attended countless birthdays, sporting events, parties, concerts, church services, weddings, and family functions, that I would have rather attended with my husband by my side; all by myself. I have held, not my husband's hand for comfort, but my own hand, through these trying times and have dug deep for strength when all I wanted to do was fall apart. At age 23, I have faced a hurdle and a setback in life that I could have never anticipated and one that very few people even have to consider going through, but I am determined to come out in the end, changed in a positive way_ strengthened.

Since May of 2016, when we received the news that my husband was denied his visa, my faith has developed tremendously. Pieter and I remind each other often that we do not hold our trust in "the system", or border security, or a man behind the desk, but in God. Whenever we start to analyze and research information regarding immigration waivers and the chances that other people have placed on our shot of living together in the U.S. we begin to feel discouraged and out of control. Truth is, it is out of our control! And it is scary! But knowing that we have given a God who moves mountains all of our concerns and fears takes the weight from our shoulders on days when it is just too much to bear.




For those of you who I run into around town who ask how things are going or remind me that you are praying for Pieter and I, thank you. You will never know how much that support means to both of us. As many times as I have heard "I'm praying for you" over the past two years and even more in the past eight months I know that God is right in the middle of our situation and am assured that He is working all of this out in His time. I knew this winter would be long, as I waited to fly back over to the Netherlands at the end of March, but I had no idea how restless I would grow to be. Patience is in short supply these days, for both Pieter and I. We are anxious to finally be done with this long journey. I feel God leading me to do so many great things for Him, but patiently, I will wait until He says "Go"...

Happy 2017 from us!

I was going to put together a Christmas letter to send out with our Christmas cards this year, but with the busyness of the holidays, time did not allow. So here is our 2016 in review and an update on how we are doing!

After beginning 2016 with hopeful hearts that we would continue our life together in the States in the spring, we endured devastation as Pieter was considered inadmissible by U.S. border control in May. This was our lowest point of the year, but we were able to push forward and make the most of the moments we were able to spend together in 2016.

I would have never imagined I would get the opportunity to travel to so many different countries, but because of our unfortunate circumstances we were able to visit Paris, France; Cologne, Germany; and Agadir, Morocco. I have become quite the expert at packing suitcases, moving in and out of rental homes, booking airline tickets, and maneuvering through airports.

My favorite traveling companion, Pieter, has become an experienced travel planner. I have never seen someone so handy with a map. He organized all of our trips and the adventures we went on. It took us four hours to get to Paris, France in July. This was an eye-opening first excursion out of my comfort zone, but it made me want to travel more. While in Paris, we celebrated my 23rd birthday with a river cruise, sightseeing to Notre Dame, the Sacre Ceur, and the Eifel tower.

A magical trip to the Efteling theme park was our first big trip together, not including our time spent in Amsterdam at Easter. Highlights from that trip were the amazing continental breakfast at the hotel, the unique fairy tale decor of the Efteling hotel, waiting in line for an hour to ride a roller coaster that lasted 5 seconds, and feeling like children again as we took in the wonder of the theme park.

During our time apart in the fall Pieter and I worked on planning a trip to go on in the winter. We had considered visiting Spain, Iceland, Ireland, or Norway, but somehow settled on a trip to Morocco!

Agadir, Morocco was like no place I had ever visited. We took advantage of every day we had there and enjoyed relaxing by the pool, an authentic Moroccan dinner for two, camel riding and dune buggying through the desert, a traditional Hammam couples massage, and a tour of the impoverished villages in the countryside in the Atlas mountains. Many memories were made that we will look back on for years to come. I am so thankful we were able to go on this special adventure together.

Back at home in the Netherlands it was time for me to begin packing my bags to return to my life in the States. I am now back home til the end of March. I am ending this challenging year with a positive and grateful attitude. As always, I have BIG PLANS for the new year. The year 2017 will come with a lot of gradual changes and more hopeful waiting, but I am anticipating more personal growth and lifelong memories to be made!

Happy New Year! 

My Double Life

Upon my fifth return to the Netherlands I found myself ill for the entire first week. My flight here was quick and simple, no issues whatsoever, until about ten minutes before descending. My ears closed up and I could not hear as we went from 35,000 feet to ground level. Normally my ears are affected slightly by the drop in air pressure and then they return to normal after a few hours or a day at the most, this time, due to having a slight cold, my ears underwent extreme trauma during descent. 

For the past week I have been fighting a stubborn cold and what is known as "barotrauma" of my right ear. A stuffiness, loss of hearing, and pain in my neck and ear has taken place due to fluid being lodged behind my ear drum. This fluid can take up to three months to completely heal. So, not the greatest start to my trip. 

Our fourth rental home in Oostkapelle is quite lovely. As all the other homes we have stayed in, it is small, but comfortable. I am grateful to have a small space to myself, a warm bed to sleep in at night, and a roof over my head from the dreary Dutch weather we have been experiencing. 

It has rained just about every day since my return. As I sit here tonight in the silence of this space, sipping tea, snuggled in my favorite blanket from home, I find myself unable to fully be at ease. I do not know when the last time was that I could completely relax my mind. Surely it was before this situation began. 
What is on my mind tonight? the presidential election taking place in my home country tomorrow, my family and how much I am missing them, and my future... 

During all the other times I have visited Holland there has always been a glimmer of hope for our future. A sense of knowing there was always something else we could do to help Pieter's immigration case. Not anymore. 

This trip to visit my husband is unlike any other. It holds far more pressure and anxiety than the rest. I will spend two months here and return to the States on December 21st. I plan on returning here again at the end of March until early June. Planning my life in "Europe" and "America" segments has become something I have grown terribly well at. This is the last trip that I will spend not knowing whether my husband can return to the United States or not. 

The pressure of thinking I may be forced to make this country my home in a few short months is often too much to bear. I have conversed with various people about my worries concerning this matter and often they respond with something such as "You can just move over there [the Netherlands], right?" RIGHT! I can! 

Europe has a three month process, in which you can remain in the country for, to gain permanent residency in the country in which your spouse resides. Yes, I could move to the Netherlands if need be. But, I must consider all I would be leaving behind and how challenging it would be to develop a life of my own here in this country. 

My main issue is leaving my family behind. If my family was able to pack up and come with me to the Netherlands, I would basically move here tomorrow. The thought of having to go through the rest of my life without their comradery, laughter, support, and encouragement makes my entire body ache. But it is nearly impossible to convince the immigration authorities that I rely heavily on my family's moral and emotional support and find it to be my duty to be by their side through every minor or major family event.

My next concern would be my need to remain surrounded by my Christian community back at home. Here, there are no English speaking churches nearby. I have no where to grow in my walk with the Lord. Pieter and I need to be in a community where we can have fellow Christians encouraging us and challenging us in that area. The immigration authorities have no desire to hear about my relationship with Christ and how its growth would be hindered if I were to relocate to another country. 

Lastly, I worry about the many things I was actually able to list in our "extreme hardship" waiver... the things the USCIS will get a chance to review. Seventy-nine pages of "proof" that I cannot leave the United States and that I need Pieter to be able to be with me there. Concerns such as my mental and physical health, future employment opportunities, financial concerns, and my personal independence/functionality in one country compared to another. 

Our final set of papers was finally turned in and received on October 11th. Processing times for this critical waiver are four months. News on our destiny will be finalized around January or February. Thank you for your patience. 

In a way I am relieved to think that in four months this two year journey will all be over, one way or another. Living a double life has taken it's toll on me. I have shared many times before how exhausted I have become. To keep going back and forth from an independent, married woman in Woodstock, Virginia who works as a waitress, interacting with people 35-40 hours a week to a woman who cleans house and barely talks to or sees a person all week is strange, unhealthy, and wrong.

My bitterness has grown, but so has my strength. I continue to realize that I need something so much greater than myself to hold onto and I find it difficult to imagine how anyone can go through life without having a relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Every night as I try to fall asleep I feel the Devil trying to creep in and fill my head with doubt and fear. In order to get past this miserable feeling, I begin quoting memory verses I learned many years ago in Sunday school. Over and over again I recite them in my head knowing that nothing in this world is more true or lasting than the words of God- verses such as Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:13, Psalm 56:3-4, Psalm 23, Deuteronomy 31:8. 

I hold on to Him and imagine Him holding tightly on to me, because He is the only thing strong enough to comfort me. The reassurance of knowing that He holds my life in His hands is the only thing that can calm me down after panicking about the possibility of my future and my hopes and dreams being shattered. 

I must remind myself that these are selfishly "my" dreams and "my" hopes. Through the years I was always able to plan ahead and picture things just the way I wanted them to go. November and December are my months to make lists of goals and things I hope to achieve in the year to come. This may be the biggest lesson in "giving up control" that God will ever give me. 

"Where will I be in 10 years?" The picture is so unclear. I ask myself "Where do I want to be in 10 years?" and the beautiful picture of a cottage in the mountains, a few kids, a dog, a career, and my amazing husband brings tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain in my heart. 
But this picture is simply what "I" have in mind for "MY" future. I have to re-ask myself that very same question and answer with "I want to be exactly where God needs me to be." I trust He has a bigger plan for me than I could ever put together on my own. This is called surrender and it is not easy, but God is the master planner and He sees time from the very beginning to the very end, so why shouldn't we trust Him with our lives?

Twenty-One Months

On this quiet, peaceful, rainy, Saturday evening off work I want to give a short update on the life of Pieter and Lydia. For those who have been following from the beginning or for those who jumped into this messy journey with us somewhere in the middle, this weekend marks twenty-one months of my "living in two countries" and Pieter and I being apart far too often.

This year has absolutely flown by! I guess this is how life gets with each birthday that passes after the age of 22. Weeks and months keep passing, life just keeps rolling by. I fly out in just two and a half weeks to live my Dutch life for two months. The way things are looking, this could very well be my last short trip to the Netherlands. Our final papers have been filed and either good news or bad news will be shared with us in the next four to five months. We have gotten good at waiting, but can honestly say we are ready for this to all be over.

I want to take a humble minute to ask for every person reading this to say a short prayer for this to finally be the end of our long journey of fighting to get my husband back to the States. Thank you

Here's to Two Years!

This post goes out to my man on the day we became husband and wife. Today we celebrate two years of marriage. Not many of you have had the chance of meeting my husband or getting to know him, but I hope that each of you will get the opportunity to meet him someday soon. 

I met Pieter at my first job at Brethren Woods Camp and Retreat Center. He was a foreign exchange counselor and a fun loving, goofy guy who was friends with everyone. His leadership qualities and his sense of humor were the first traits that caught my eye. It was not until the end of that summer that I realized "I really like this guy". The two of us had to wait seven months before going on our first date due to living in different countries. The ride to getting to know each other from there was never an easy one, but thirteen months after that first date, we got engaged and four months later we became a married couple! 

Our wedding day could have easily been a foreshadowing into how challenging our future together would be. I had a horrible cold and an ear infection, I felt miserable. I hardly remember the events of the day due to the Mucinex and the antibiotics I was on. Our little life together began and things were so happy and simple. Those four months we had as being normal husband and wife were wonderful. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy them a little more.

Christmas 2014

This has been quite a challenging year for the two of us. Last September we were blessed with a trip to Germany and Austria with Pieter's grandparents. In November I flew home for the holidays and we spent another segment of time apart. Spring 2016 was a hopeful and exciting time for us. We anticipated spending the rest of the year together in the States. After receiving the bad news about our visa in May, we pushed forward surprisingly well and comforted each other from separate countries. Reunited for a short time again in July, we made the most of our time together and went on an adventure in Paris, France. It was a lovely time of getting to know more about each other and it distracted us from the reality of our situation. In our second year of marriage we have only spent a total of twenty-one weeks together.

Paris 2016

Reading through the anniversary cards at Hallmark was tough this year. I became more and more bitter and depressed with every card I scanned through. I am normally a huge fan of celebrating every occasion and little achievement that passes in life, but not this year. It breaks my heart to think of how other couples are able to hold hands, fight in person, fix dinner for each other, go on evening walks, and spend every day together and they take it all for granted. Those are the everyday activities that the cards mentioned_ none of those pertain to us, so I never settled on a card. 

I miss my husband every single day. I grieve over the thought of the life we could be having together. Spending our wedding anniversary apart with no reunion in close sight is very difficult, to say the least. I went for a ride on the back roads tonight and took in the gorgeous sunset. Sunsets have always been a special part of our relationship and even our wedding colors, purple and orange, incorporated that. As I watched the gorgeous array of clouds and the fiery sun, I really let in set in that I was a wife who was spending these months all by herself. I burst into tears at the thought of going through my wedding anniversary without Pieter. No romantic dinner, balloons, champagne, fancy getaway, or flowers. I would not wake up to a good morning kiss or be sent off to work with an "I love you" and a hug. I would trudge on through the daily grind of this life as if it were just another day. 

After two years of marriage everyone else moves into their next phase of life with having children, starting new jobs, getting pets, buying houses, or getting promoted. I am becoming discontent as I am forced to remain in this time of waiting. God grant me with the patience and understanding as I continue to wait for Your great timing. 

With that said, I must state that I realize that there are many people out there who have it so much worse than we do. I am so very grateful that I am able to communicate with my husband on a daily basis through emails or skype calls. I am relieved that he is in a safe place and living with his family who loves him. He has a job and is able to enjoy playing sports and interacting in his community. It is a blessing to be able to spend special time together when I am able to visit every few months. 

We are halfway done with waiting to get together again. The next 44 days will fly by! Our pattern of "apart" and "together" has become routine for the two of us, but we are so very anxious for it to end. News about where our future years together will take place will be declared in December or January. For now, we thank God for the time we have been able to share, the memories we have made, and the lessons we have been able to learn this year together and apart. Today is a celebration of us and the strong union we share as we travel through life together, as a team, no matter where life takes us. I am thankful for Pieter and the role he plays in my life, even when we are miles and miles apart!