Upon my arrival back home I began a regimen to better health and to healing some of the damage that has been caused in my body over time. I have good days and bad days, but work keeps me busy, distracted, and fulfilled. I genuinely enjoy taking care of the guests that come into Cracker Barrel. Caring for people's needs is something I always aspired to do and although being a waitress is not the profession I intended, I am grateful I have the ability and opportunity to do so at this time in my life. And for the relationships, personal growth, and leadership skills I have acquired while working as a server, I know they will carry on to wherever and whatever may be up next for me in the years to come.
With all of the energy I expend taking care of other people's needs day after day after day, taking care of my own emotions and frustrations often gets pushed to the back burner. Whenever I do find time to focus on what is currently happening in my life, I start to feel sick. It all gets to be too much.
A few weeks back I was chopping onions at work. My sinuses filled with the strong odor of the crisp veggies, with every slice the smell grew more and more pungent and tears began rolling from my eyes. It is then that I realized I had not cried in a really long time. This was my opportunity to let out all of the bottled up emotions I had regarding how unfair, exhausting, and lonely this process has been for me and my husband. I carry those feelings in my heart and suppress them everyday, hoping they fade as days go by and praying for this burden to soon be lifted from my shoulders.
I found myself researching certain regulations and requirements for European tourism and a certain rule struck my attention. The reality of this rule was quite alarming when I looked at how it could affect me in my future trips to and from the Netherlands. This raises yet another obstacle in the saga of Pieter and Lydia. I ask each of those reading this to say a prayer for God to be ever-present in this situation and that this would finally come to a peaceful end. There is power in prayer and we are thankful that we serve a God who listens to and cares for His children.
Sometimes I do begin to wonder if the resilience of the human mind, heart, and body expires at some point. Is there a point where a person is no longer able to bounce back after life keeps letting them down? If there is, I must be reaching that point. I feel as though I am all out of ideas on how to remain optimistic. No one should ever have to fight this hard to be with the ones they love and desire to share life with. I miss the companionship, support, friendship, and laughter that I share with my husband. I miss him every single day and nothing can fully take that empty feeling away.
Yes, some days are easier than others. But some days, the Devil gets the best of me. Other days, God puts things into perspective and helps me realize that 1.) Some people have it so much worse than I do. 2.) He knows what He's doing. and 3.) I could never do this without Him.
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